I ain't gonna lie......

....in the preface words of Shanna. I'm so awefully lonely. I'm getting tearful much of time about it. When I'm not a work, I am by myself all day without anyone to talk to. I even broke down and called David. It seemed better to talk with him with all his negative/cruel speech then be swallowed up in lonley awareness. But after listening to him, I am reminded that I would rather be alone in the world then be in his beat-me-down world.
I had a good mediation session last night then I went to bed very sad and lonely. Yet, I told myself to pull up my big girl panties and deal with. Just roll over and go to sleep.

Last night I drempt I was out in the artic. Just a sea of ice and I was alone in the vastness feeling so desolate.

Definition of DESOLATE

1 devoid of inhabitants and visitors : deserted
2: joyless, disconsolate, and sorrowful through or as if through separation from a loved one
3 a: showing the effects of abandonment and neglect : dilapidated -a desolate old house b: barren, lifeless -a desolate landscape c: devoid of warmth, comfort, or hope : gloomy -desolate memories Yeah...my dream was a visual of Desolation. I am feeling all those descriptions.

I'm walking along on the ice. Sort of wondering how I got here and why I am here. Then all of sudden "THUNK". A whole trunk of beer dropped down in front me. It dropped out of the sky. It hit hard. Nothing was damaged. The beer was getting unloaded and distributed by guys who showed up out of nowhere.

In my artic dream there were several different scenes. I was walking across the ice when all of sudden a big ocean wave came rolling up behind me and I started to panic. There was no getting away from it. I saw three people in kayaks up ahead of me. How are we all on ice and they are paddling as if on water???? I ain't gonna lie....that's weird. But they were paddling toward me and the wave that was coming up behind me. The wave swept over me and I went under it with thoughts that this might be the end. The wave could drawn me! How does one swim on ice? But the wave just curled over me, I was unharmed. Then I worried about the kayakers ahead of me with the wave coming at them. Would they be okay? They rode the wave and just laughed and had a great time. The wave was exciting for them. The best part of their ride was getting that unexpected fun wave to ride.
There were other things mixed in my dreams,but not worth mentioning since they had to do with guys and were an insigficant distraction from my goal. Which was to just get out of this desert of ice and get back to my packed things, because I was ready to move.

When I woke up I went to my computer to turn on some mediatation music. My screen saver rotates pictures. The current picture was on an artic scene. Big chunks of ice rocks like bolders in the foreground of a big sea of ice and in the distance big black mountains covered in snow. The sun was shining through the mountains with a sparkle and it shined a glare on a path of the ice right up to the ice bolders. As if shining light on the path leading to the mountains.

In my reflection of all this, this is my sense of understanding. I am also reminded of what James- (The Intuitive one) said to me. That the winter season is very difficult for Leos. But seasons change and this cold and lonely time will pass.
In the dream, I was walking ...good sign because I kept moving....I stayed on a journey. I wasn't sitting hopeless. I was in a challenging spot, but I kept giving effort to change where I was. The wave overtaking me from behind...nothing to panic about. It passed by me fine. I am now reminded of the summer when I swam in the ocean with David and big wave would come at us I would turn to look at it in panic and he would say "why do you turn and look at it with your mouth open? " Okay, no more looking in fear at unexpected things coming from behind. In an ocean one expects a wave, but on a sea of ice?

The three people in the kayak. That was the Power of Three out having a good time- heading towards me.
Then after my awakening...and seeing the screen saver with the sparkling sun shining across the ice was inviting me to follow its lighted path. But I did looked around and saw off to the side was a melted patch. I didn't feel safe following the light. Maybe I will fall through the ice. Oh, I see a pattern here....stop looking around a things in doubt and fear. Keep my eyes where I want to go. Rule number one in motorcycle riding....KEEP YOUR EYES UP AHEAD WHERE YOU WANT TO GO. DO NOT...DO NOT LOOK WHERE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO. You wind up where your eyes are gazing.
I need confidence to follow the sun and find a way to make it to the mountains. (Bozeman) In my sadness last night, I did read my bathroom plaque that says, "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." I have a patch of sunshine peeking out from the mountains telling me to keep my eyes on the sun....that is where I will wind up.
As for the beer? Well, if a truck of beer is going to drop out of heaven for no apparent reason. It's time to crack some cans open and throw a party!
Girls, get a homecoming party planned for me!