I ain't gonna lie......

....in the preface words of Shanna. I'm so awefully lonely. I'm getting tearful much of time about it. When I'm not a work, I am by myself all day without anyone to talk to. I even broke down and called David. It seemed better to talk with him with all his negative/cruel speech then be swallowed up in lonley awareness. But after listening to him, I am reminded that I would rather be alone in the world then be in his beat-me-down world.
I had a good mediation session last night then I went to bed very sad and lonely. Yet, I told myself to pull up my big girl panties and deal with. Just roll over and go to sleep.

Last night I drempt I was out in the artic. Just a sea of ice and I was alone in the vastness feeling so desolate.

Definition of DESOLATE

1 devoid of inhabitants and visitors : deserted
2: joyless, disconsolate, and sorrowful through or as if through separation from a loved one
3 a: showing the effects of abandonment and neglect : dilapidated -a desolate old house b: barren, lifeless -a desolate landscape c: devoid of warmth, comfort, or hope : gloomy -desolate memories Yeah...my dream was a visual of Desolation. I am feeling all those descriptions.

I'm walking along on the ice. Sort of wondering how I got here and why I am here. Then all of sudden "THUNK". A whole trunk of beer dropped down in front me. It dropped out of the sky. It hit hard. Nothing was damaged. The beer was getting unloaded and distributed by guys who showed up out of nowhere.

In my artic dream there were several different scenes. I was walking across the ice when all of sudden a big ocean wave came rolling up behind me and I started to panic. There was no getting away from it. I saw three people in kayaks up ahead of me. How are we all on ice and they are paddling as if on water???? I ain't gonna lie....that's weird. But they were paddling toward me and the wave that was coming up behind me. The wave swept over me and I went under it with thoughts that this might be the end. The wave could drawn me! How does one swim on ice? But the wave just curled over me, I was unharmed. Then I worried about the kayakers ahead of me with the wave coming at them. Would they be okay? They rode the wave and just laughed and had a great time. The wave was exciting for them. The best part of their ride was getting that unexpected fun wave to ride.
There were other things mixed in my dreams,but not worth mentioning since they had to do with guys and were an insigficant distraction from my goal. Which was to just get out of this desert of ice and get back to my packed things, because I was ready to move.

When I woke up I went to my computer to turn on some mediatation music. My screen saver rotates pictures. The current picture was on an artic scene. Big chunks of ice rocks like bolders in the foreground of a big sea of ice and in the distance big black mountains covered in snow. The sun was shining through the mountains with a sparkle and it shined a glare on a path of the ice right up to the ice bolders. As if shining light on the path leading to the mountains.

In my reflection of all this, this is my sense of understanding. I am also reminded of what James- (The Intuitive one) said to me. That the winter season is very difficult for Leos. But seasons change and this cold and lonely time will pass.
In the dream, I was walking ...good sign because I kept moving....I stayed on a journey. I wasn't sitting hopeless. I was in a challenging spot, but I kept giving effort to change where I was. The wave overtaking me from behind...nothing to panic about. It passed by me fine. I am now reminded of the summer when I swam in the ocean with David and big wave would come at us I would turn to look at it in panic and he would say "why do you turn and look at it with your mouth open? " Okay, no more looking in fear at unexpected things coming from behind. In an ocean one expects a wave, but on a sea of ice?

The three people in the kayak. That was the Power of Three out having a good time- heading towards me.
Then after my awakening...and seeing the screen saver with the sparkling sun shining across the ice was inviting me to follow its lighted path. But I did looked around and saw off to the side was a melted patch. I didn't feel safe following the light. Maybe I will fall through the ice. Oh, I see a pattern here....stop looking around a things in doubt and fear. Keep my eyes where I want to go. Rule number one in motorcycle riding....KEEP YOUR EYES UP AHEAD WHERE YOU WANT TO GO. DO NOT...DO NOT LOOK WHERE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO. You wind up where your eyes are gazing.
I need confidence to follow the sun and find a way to make it to the mountains. (Bozeman) In my sadness last night, I did read my bathroom plaque that says, "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." I have a patch of sunshine peeking out from the mountains telling me to keep my eyes on the sun....that is where I will wind up.
As for the beer? Well, if a truck of beer is going to drop out of heaven for no apparent reason. It's time to crack some cans open and throw a party!
Girls, get a homecoming party planned for me!

Strut ur stuff

Hey sorry i havent been in top of things. Im doing this from my nook at work... My first full week back to work was FANTASTIC. Ive been staying away from sugar and really just trying to cut back on hlw much i eat. I got a gym membership last week and worked out on the floor bc there werent any group fit classes. Its an odd set up, i did 15 min on both the bike and elliltical. The way the machines are set up they face in with no tv or window or anything in front of ur face but the men walking back and forth strutting and i do mean strutttttinggggg lol. I suppose if u work hard for ur musles why not spend ur time in the gym walking around showing them off to everyone...do u ever notice thatthe "meat head" guys never really do anything? They may do a quick set here and there but mostly just stand my tbe machines and look in the mirror... lol this is an observation for gyms in 3 states. Hehe. Tonight im going to oula!! So excited... i also may catch the second half of nia if the doors arnt locked....Then tomorrow is exciting bc dan and j are leaving im going to stat doing my jillian workout so that i can hoot and hollar and jump up and down at 5 in the morning...well i best get back to work. Ta!

Rockin in the new year!

Back at it! My vision book had the word 'surrender' in it for January and I've found that I have indeed been surrending and it hasn't even been totally conscience. In Nia I found myself resonating with moves that felt like I was releasing. I also started doing lesson 1 in "A Course in Weight Loss." I am working through the lesson that invovlves releasing shame, anger, fear, etc. I have hardly even scratched the surface but I have another couple weeks of surrending to go.

I really enjoyed our time bringing in the New Year and I agree that 2012 is going to be a really powerful year for us all.

Intestines n Toenails

I went to a meditation class last night...I'm learning a new form of meditation to add to my 'spirtual toolbag'. The table I have set up in my living room is an alter. I head to it first thing in the morning.....which lately has been 4:45. I light a candle and I wash my hands with rosewater. I look over my monthly vision page. I hold some meaningful stones and I settle into meditating. Today, it seemed so strange, I saw my intestines working up out of my mouth. I thought how bizzare! How gross! I was throwing up my intestines and what still remained I was pulling up out of my throat and mouth. I felt it was rather disturbing, but curious why in the world I was seeing this in my mind's eye. I turned to Louise Hay for reference on intestines.

Intestines
Problem/cause: assimilation. absorption. elimination with ease.
New thought: I easily assimilate and absorb all that I need to know and release the past with joy.

In pondering all this I came to realize what I was 'seeing' was myself purging...eliminating....DETOXING (which is my goal this first quarter of the year)... detox from my past- from emotional garbage that I had been absorbing and not eliminating very successfully. Now I can assimilate, absorb new joy. I feel cleaned out. I took the photos of Doug and of David and placed them under the feet of the elephant that stands on my alter. The elephant represents a remover of obstacles. Interesting thing is the photo with Doug has him standing with a sign that says "Please stay on the trail" and he is holding up his middle finger. He wasn't one to stay within curteous boundaries. David's photo is me and him at music fest and it says "The song remains the same". Ohhh well, he can keep dancing to the same ole tune, but I am changing up my rythym.

Joelle, when I looked up intestines....right there in the "i's" Ingrown toenail caught my eye. Do you know Louise says that means you are struggling with "worry or guilt about your right to move forward!"
new thought pattern" "It is my Divine right to take my own direction in life. I am safe. I am free."
Even if you have a baby to care for...you have a Divine right to not feel guilty or worry about doing what is good for you!!
I told you about when I had surgery on my ingrown toenails.....it was right after I had the weightloss surgery...and yes, I had worry and guilt about my right to move forward. Wow!

All is well in 2012! We are three moving forward without guilt or worry. We are dancing to a new song, staying on the trail that is ment for each of us...and fully absorbing joy and eliminating toxins!
Selah!

Reach for IT!

Two mornings in a row I have gotten up at 4:40 and headed to the gym. Plus, I did a walk on my lunch break. In just a couple days of motivation I lost 3 pounds. I'm pooping the crap right of me. Every since Joelle was here and cooking, I've going some serious dumps! I've continued to eat lots of veggies. I'm not going hungry. Just making healthier choices and working out. Something has definitely changed in my intestines processing food.
I love my vision book. I have set on the living room table, my vision book opened to January, a candle, rose water, Selah plaque, Laksmi, my elephant (remover of obstacles) and photos. In the morning, I dedicate my day to creating things that will accomplish my theme of the month. To Go Bold and Create. I spent a bit of time mediating and head off to the gym. My intention is that this will be my morning routine.
I know this is going to be a great, exciting year. I feel encouraged that we brought the new year in together. I feel the Power of Three is benefiting us individually and as a family. It's a beautiful thing.
Today as I walked, I kept staring up into the sky. The clouds were strentched out layering over the beautiful blue sky. The sky looked much like the view that you see in photos from outerspace looking on the earth and you see the white with the blue that is water. I felt like I was in heaven or outerspace looking down on the earth.... I realized there is not much difference. The sun shines in both directions...it is round, after all. I also realized how easy it is to transcend clouds. Sometimes the clouds seem like obstacles blocking the sun, but clouds are just fluff. You can reach or fly right through a cloud. It appears to be a barrier, but its not. Nothing stands in the way of us reaching the heavens or the sun. We have no barriers to reaching what we want or need. There might be a cloud or a smoke screen that appears to hinder reaching it, but any apparant block to our goal is just fluff that we need to reach right though.