Mindful Thoughtlessness

Though I have been Facebook obsessed, I see it as a motivation to write. Which I love to do. I just needed a muse. I found one in Doug and this muse has kept me amused. Last night I did take time out from my facebook memoir to exercise. Yesterday turned out to be a day that I stayed in the apartment all day and I didn't get dressed. It's one of those rare relaxing days that we all need once in awhile.
Just when I thought I would break out from hybernating and head out to the gym, a torrential downpour started. So I lite up candles, turned on ambiant radio and dedicated 10 minutes each to peaceful exercising. Dancing and stretching. I wanted to be mindful of each of you and be as 'thoughtless' as possible. My understanding is that meditation is thoughtless. A time to stop thinking. I made every effort to just picture each of your faces during your 10 minutes. When I pictured Joelle's face, I started to cry. I don't know why. I sensed I was feeling some of her pain about something.
My mind won't shut up about this Doug saga and I had to force myself to concentrate on each of you and not on my own issues. I had to keep redirecting my thoughts. I think that was the most difficult exercise of all.
This morning I got up and went to the gym before work. I had a pair of headphones in my hand but decided to leave them behind because I believed I had a pair in the car. I got inside the gym and realized I didn't bring in the headphones. I walked back to the car and frantically searched for headphones that I couldn't find. I was so certain that I left them in the dash. I thought, 'how am I going to work out without them?' and considered driving back home. But then I realized that I was to practice another mindful workout. So I started with upper body strength and dedicated it to Shanna to help her feel strong. Then Joelle, and I focused on the midsection. Then for myself was lower body. With each exercise I focused on the moment and the muscle I felt worked with each move. I closed my eyes to concentrate on it. And now that I think of it, not having music went unnoticed. I still had issues with my mind drifting and I had to bring in back to my intended focus. At one point I started to cry right there on the machine because I felt like I just couldn't get my mind to stop thinking about the Doug saga and it's frustrating me. My mind keeps investigating and rehashing every detail and I really don't want to. I feel so self-absorbed and I'm not liking it.
I want more thoughtlessness in my life. The definition means to "not think enough, careless". Yeah, I want to not think enough so as to be become less and less self-absorbed which will allow more room for peace. I want to care less about about things that don't really matter.
I have come to realize part of my journey is to practice being thoughtless, yet mindful. Thoughts are the thinking, problem solving, stratgizing, constant questioning that we drive ourselves and others crazy with. Being mindful is staying focused on the moment. Hanh says "Mindfulness is the ability to recognize what is happening in the present moment. It is simple recognition without judgment or citicism, without suppression or attachment." It is living in the moment and fully experiencing it. Perhaps I will prevent making problems that need to be solved. If I had not of been bombarded with self absorbed thoughts this morning, I would have remembered my bra and underwear for the gym. So I had to decide if I had time to run back home for them. Let's just say it was a commando day at work.
Oh, and by the way Joelle, Lakshmi has been hanging out with me. I was searching for where I safely tucked away my birthday gift. I couldn't find it, but figured when the time is right, then I will find it. However, in my search I found Lakshmi. Taped her back together and propped her up on my counter. And she keeps saying "Stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine."